Fall is always such a weird time for me. First my birthday in September, then all these other events.
Today was the NYC marathon. For some reason, it always brings out my emotions. It makes me think of all these people doing amazing things and accomplishing goals, living out their dreams. Then there's me just sitting here in my office, weekend after weekend, running on the hamster wheel. I don't even have time for a yoga class. Life is passing me by and it scares me senseless.
Last year was so much fun, going to M.'s party at the race's halfway point, in Greenpoint, right next to the onramp to the Pulaski Skyway headed to Queens. Last year I had so much hope--I was so into him (Who am I kidding...I still am?)--and there was so much...possibility. Now this year I wasn't even invited (except from our mutual friend). It's official: M. is over it. Whatever "it" was. Part of me wanted to go, but I knew I'd be so sad because it wouldn't be the same. He is O-V-E-R it. Why am I stuck?
It's because still, no matter what, I still admire him. He is so brave, so free, so interesting. He does his own thing. He is cool and creative and no one can tie him down. Why do I always love the guys like that?
Now, I'm back HERE, and if there's any question of where HERE is, take one guess. I'm the exact opposite of M. Trapped.
I am so sick with sadness. I want to vomit. I started crying on the bus--about a block from my house. I cannot go on like this. I cannot go on like this. I cannot go on like this.
I am missing Crystal and Celeste's tea party. Because I am at work. When will the insanity end?
